Monday, 29 July 2013

coincidences and more

I know that when people die, their loved ones are left sometimes grasping at straws. Hope can manifest itself in so many ways, and you can find yourself wondering if this or that was a sign that the universe is not as cut and dry as it seems. Even when you're not a religious person you can become bewildered at the enormity and the tininess that is human existence, and what it all means, and where we come from and where we go. And why.

Yesterday I was watching the movie Fun Size. There's a ten second scene near the end where a girl and her brother go visit their recently deceased dad's gravestone, and for some reason, nearly a month and a half after my brother has died, I suddenly was torn apart by the fact that I never saw where he was buried. I ran into the bedroom and threw myself on the bed and sobbed about it. I can't explain it other than I felt the strongest urge to see where his body ended up. Bring him something. Flowers?

I talked to Ryan about it through my tears, wondering aloud "Why today? I don't know what's wrong with me, why is this bothering me so much today?" And I was bummed out the entire day. And angry. So angry. I decided to write my younger sister a message on Facebook about it, and her reply a few hours later threw me for a loop.

She told me that my mom and herself were having a very hard day as well. They had dropped all the other (younger) brothers and sisters off at summer camp and then they went to my brother's grave for the first time. They hadn't been there before the day I felt like I should be there more than anywhere else in the world.

I have seen probably tens or hundreds of random images of graveyards and gravestones since the day my brother died, but only yesterday did I feel the way I felt. How can that be a coincidence?

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