Wednesday, 28 August 2013

caution: spider pictures

Do you ever stop to think how lucky we are that spiders are the size they are? Humanity would be extinct in a day if these things were even dog-sized. Oh, the horror. Oh, the worst deaths I could possibly think of. UGH UGH UGH GROSS.

This particular spider with the crazy leg joints was in a cardboard box full of old newspapers and a rag and a stick. I don't know who put a cardboard box full of newspapers and rags and sticks on our porch or when this happened but there it is, with Ryan's sister's name written on the side of it no less. Mildly confusing.

There comes a time in every storage space's life where you have to go in, pull everything out, throw 2/3 of it in the garbage and then fill it with new, relevant junk that you'll never look at again. I was cleaning all the random impedimenta* out of there. For example, there was a rusty scooter, super soakers that are missing the caps to their water holdy sections, jugs of windshield wiper fluid and what looked like part of a toddler-sized Ghostbusters costume.

What I didn't count on while pulling everything out with the intent of giving the space a good sweeping was the sheer density of spider webs surrounding everything. I am usually pretty cool with spiders but this time I was surrounded. There were webs full of moths above me and now this goddamn goliath in this box. Not to mention some other mystery grey spider with a huge abdomen I saw wandering around earlier. And I started to panic.

*word of the day

The moths in the webs were not all dead. Some of them were pulling free as I knocked down the webs and then flying right into my face. WHY ARE MOTHS SO AWFUL?

So yeah I lost my cool. I grabbed my camera and tried to turn the scary spider into an art project. "Okay mister eight-legged-horror-show, smile for the camera!" He did not smile. If this isn't an "I'll kill you face, I don't know what is. It is totally frowning. Or squinting, because my flash kept going off. But I guess that's alright...I don't know about you but I think a smiling spider would probably be much worse.

I poked at the box with a broom for a bit and then convinced Ryan to help me put the entire box, spider included, (but sans rag and stick) in a recycling bag, to put out on the curb next Tuesday. And that takes care of that problem. *dusts hands together*

Or so I thought.

Later that night as I was reading in bed a GIGANTIC MOTHERFLIPPIN' SPIDER OUT FOR REVENGE ran across the bedroom floor. NOOOOO. I had Ryan dispose of that one as well. Normally I'm a catch and release kind of hippie, but not this time, spider.

Not this time.

Enjoy your watery toilety grave.


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