When you're a cashier in a grocery store, and your scanner isn't picking up a barcode on, say, a can of soup, you can be guaranteed, one million percent, that the customer will say
"It must be free today" or "I guess it's free!"
So you have to fake a little laugh, because you know they're probably the type to complain to your manager about your poor customer service if you make them feel stupid.
I've literally gotten in trouble for this before. Also once because I had my hands in my apron pockets. THE HORROR
You smile even though it's the 97th time somebody's said that to you in a row because the company that made the soup must have done some kind of misprint on the label where the bacode is.
Alternatively, the will customer go "NINETY NINE CENTS. It's NINETY NINE CENTS". This is kind of like when they hand you a bag of reddish apples with some green on them and you're pretty sure they're the organic so-and-so type but you don't know the code for them because somehow the customer has picked every apple without a sticker on them, and as you're looking them up they say "APPLES. They're APPLES. One seventy nine."
Because NO FUCKING SHIT they're apples. The thing they're not understanding is that you don't have a ninety nine cents button. You will get in trouble at the end of the day if you're caught ringing things up by random prices under the "non-merch" category. And there is no "Apples" magic button, they go by weight, dummy. The cashier has to find the correct code.
You know when you're working in retail and you get a break between customer rushes, so you go out on the floor to clean up the hurricaine debris that is teenage girls trying on sweatshirts, and some old dork comes waltzing in like he owns the place and says "oh it's pretty slow in here today isn't it? Workin' hard or hardly workin'? Let me give you something to do."
You know when you're working in a coffee shop and you ask "Hi how are you?" to each customer because you literally have to, it says right in the employee handbook, and only one out of every six people will even acknowledge your existence, but usually they look over your head at the price menu behind you and declare in a pompous monotone "CARAMEL MACCHIATO. LARGE." and thrust their bank card in your general direction. Wow. It's dehumanizing.
That goes double for those who refuse to get off their damn phone for the three seconds it takes to do the transaction at the register. I really don't even ask that you end your conversation, just ask the person on the other end to hold on for a sec while you pay.
At least at the tattoo shop I can stand there all day long and just not help the yoga pants moms until they get off their fucking cell phones, which is gloriously satisfying. In general, people are much more respectful to me and the tattoo artists. (NOT ALWAYS haha) Maybe they're a little scared, but whatever, it's so much more pleasant on my end. But we still do get the same old things being said to us over and over and over and over. So, if you're curious, here are some of the jokes and things people say that make me roll my eyes on pretty much a daily basis.
(Walking past the shop) You should get a tattoo of my face on your butt! Do you have any idea how much of an undertaking that would actually be?!!! Haha.
My friend fell asleep while getting tattooed. Yeah right! I have never ever everrrrrrr seen someone fall asleep. This isn't a joke but people say it so often it's become an urban legend. "The friend who fell asleep during a painless tattoo". lol
Bringing a child into the tattoo shop and saying "He wants to get his first tattoo". We usually go "Okay I'll need to see some ID" or something but seriously this is not original! In the tourist season it's literally like twice a day!
What can I say? Everybody harbours a bit of love for the cheesy "dad joke". We have some stupid joke signs in the shop too... one states "Tipping makes it hurt less." and another, hand-painted on a rusty saw says "Free Tattoo Removal".
I even have a terrible, stupid joke I pull out while talking to nearly every new customer we have. I keep using it because they almost always laugh, but it's super lame and I feel kind of ashamed every time I say it. When the tattoo is over, especially after someone had a rough go of it, I'll wait by the cash register and when they pull out their wallet I'll say
"And now for the painful part!"
What are the "dad jokes" and rude behaviour you get constantly at your job?
Teach me so I can stop being one of them!