I've gone ahead and booked my Christmas vacation, it's nearly two weeks I'm going to be spending in the cold snowy prairies. I don't even own a warm enough winter jacket anymore. My friend has already invited me on a hayride which she assures me is safe "as long as the driver doesn't get too drunk", so I guess I'll have to borrow my mom's winter boots.
I can't wait to see my family in a happy time. I know some of it will be bittersweet, the last time I hung out with my little brother Jaden was last Christmas, so it's an especially big time of the year for me...I don't know how it's going to go.
I considered staying here on Vancouver Island with Ryan, because the kids are going away and he's going to be alone on Christmas now, (he has to work) but I absolutely can not. I feel like I need my mom and my brothers and sisters, and my soon to be in-laws too. My sister's fiancee and my brother's girlfriend are a part of my heart now too and I need to see them.
I haven't mentioned Jaden much lately, I am sure most people in my life over here think I'm "over it" or whatever, but the truth is I still cry probably every second day. Either that or I suddenly feel the most intense emotional pain, enough to make me double over and clench my jaw and close my eyes. It usually only lasts a few moments, and it usually only hits me when I'm alone in a quiet space, but it is still real and it hurts so much.
I absolutely cannot watch a tv show with anybody in a hospital bed using breathing tubes or heart and brain monitors, or one where somebody has a seizure, or one where somebody is having trouble breathing, or the rest of my day is fucked. Being that scared, having somebody you love die so suddenly, it's ... this sounds like a weirdly dramatic thing to say, but it's very fucking traumatizing. I almost feel like I have PTSD sometimes.
Anyway this was supposed to be a happy post about Christmas. I am looking forward to hearing my mom sing along to Little Drummer Boy and people panicking about what to feed the vegetarian during Christmas dinner (haha). I can get drunk on Kokanee beer in the evening with my brother and play with all the dogs my mom is fostering, trying not to step in the ubiquitous pee puddles that come with untrained puppies. Don't worry, I'll take lots of dog pictures.
I lost my train of thought.
What else, what else?
I had a friend visit from Alberta this week, it is always so good to see her. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met, and not to sound braggy but very few people make me feel unintelligent and ignorant. She does, in a good way. She reminds me to work hard and do things and think more, if that makes sense. It's easy to let your brain get lazy, and she never does. She has a job that affords her weeks off at a time, and when she's off there is no lying in front of the television. She's building geodesic domes to grow tomatoes in, or learning the latin names of the birds she's observing through binoculars or whatever. Her husband is the same, he's composing a song on a vintage synthesizer (unironically), they're making jam and homemade ketchup and then helping the family wrangle cattle. I don't know, a day in their life is absolutely fascinating. And they are somehow the most unassuming and down-to-earth friendly people at the same time.
So anyway it's nice to be reminded un-hipsters who do cool things for the sake of learning and not just for a cool instagram post still exist in this world. We drank a lot of beer and she got that awesome two headed parrot tattoo that's there in the bottom row of those photos. Good visit.
I can see how I'm going to age now. I've been waiting for a sign. I'm one of those grouchy looking puffy faced ladies when I'm tired, you know, the under-eye swelling thing? Maybe I need to put cucumbers on them like in the movies. I thought I'd be a wrinkles around the eyes women, but I guess I don't smile enough, haha. Or maybe that'll come later. I haven't dyed my hair in over a year now, and there are no grey roots yet. Some of my friends my age are full-on silver so I suppose I'm lucky in that regard.
We watched The Conjuring last night, it was pretty cool. If you're looking for something full of 70s clothes and music with an interesting story that'll make you jump a few times but not haunt your nightmares for years to come, watch it.
I'm still working as full-time as possible at the Tattoo Shop with a three hour shift or two here and there at the college book store. I like both places, which is a nice position to be in. I still find myself with enough time to add in another part time job somehow though. So that's where NaNoWriMo comes in I suppose.
Oh yeah, NaNoWriMo.
So the past ...holy shit, FIVE days I've done nothing. That went by fast! The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? So is the road to not finishing a novel. I'm only at 17,000 words. "only", ha! I have never been close to that far along before. The NaNoWriMo website is so awesome for kicking your ass into gear. Those little bar graphs and calculations really help me out. I actually do the same kind of breakdowns in my head when I'm on the elliptical machine at the gym to get through a 45 minute session. It's like the website was tailor made to my brain.
Here's where I'm at now.
I meant to catch up today but picked up another shift at the Tattoo Shop. But I'm going to get there. I want to win a little halo over my name, I think that's what happens when you hit 50000 words before the end of November. Anyway the actual writing is not that hard once I get going. It's something that's always come pretty naturally to me. The shit I wrote is pretty...no actually ABSOLUTELY VERY TOTALLY terrible, but hey, I'm laying down the skeleton first. Once this month is over I'll flesh it out. Hey I wonder if you can use the site when it's not November. Guess I'll find out in a few weeks.
If you have read this far in this post I congratulate you. Lately I just do not care what anybody has to say, except a few blog friends I talk to in other platforms as well, like Twitter or Instagram or whatevs. I will dutifully open each blog post and then scroll down, scanning the pictures and text for something that catches my eye, and it's kind of sad because a lot of you are doing amazing things that I don't give a shit about.
Oh you were on TV? Meh. Oh you went to Spain and met baby goats? Whatever. Oh you learned how to hang glide? BORRRINGGG But then I'll go onto reddit and read hours of people's opinions on a social faux-pas.
Maybe I've seen my fill of amazingness and I am overwhelmed. I know too many cool people online. I need to know smaller relatable details in your life. I'd rather hear about your sick cat or a conversation you had with your husband about grapes than see another picture of a Russian skyline taken from a train.
Okay I have to get dressed and get to work, I hope you are all having a great weekend. Hey, maybe you can learn something new today! Or at least watch The Walking Dead. Do something awesome. And now I'll end this blog post with an unfortunate church parking lot sign placement because I take pictures like this and then have no idea what to do with them.