Sunday, 2 March 2014

I didn't want to write about it

Man I don't know why yesterday happened but it did. Fuck yesterday.

I woke up grey and got darker as the day progressed. I sobbed into the mop bucket at work and threw a chair. Literally. It didn't seem overly dramatic to me at the time and that's saying something about my feelings because I'm not a sob and throw kind of girl.

I sulked and seethed and whined on twitter instead of, you know, doing my job. And I didn't care. The monster apathy was lurking, the wavy lines of depression and rage covered my vision.

A man and his young children came into the tattoo shop, smiling nervously. He asked if he could give me a rose and I fake smiled and said yes, thank you. He said his family was handing out roses because it was his sister's dying wish, that they spread joy to others. And I said thank you to his little girl who was looking at my face, waiting for me to feel joy.

And they left and someone said "hey you got a rose!" and I started crying and couldn't stop. I went outside into the snowflakes to compose myself but I didn't want to. I wanted to run around the block pushing people over and yelling and then I wanted to go to bed for three days.

Instead I took a hundred deep breaths with tears streaming down my face, hoping the family wouldn't walk by. I got really dizzy, to the point I had to hold onto my knees and just focus on my breath.

A few hours later I went home, trying to get it together for the kids and Ryan. I saw a bald eagle swoop down really close to me, maybe twenty feet above my head but I didn't care. I really tried to appreciate it, I stopped walking and really looked at it but my insides were just black. 

And the thing is I don't know why. And that's weird. But I feel like something triggered my feelings about Jaden. Like the really really bad feelings of watching him in the hospital and getting that phone call and just the raw feelings of terror.

Could it be the month of March? I mean his birthday is in March but ... I really don't know. I tried googling "anger after death" but everything just says "talk about it and let it happen" ... so I'm talking to the blog because I don't feel like I have anybody here to talk to who will get it.

There's no way to say it without feeling like it's dumb anyway. Oh I feel like, sad and angry. Why? No reason at all. But I'm pretty sure I want to punch through the wall right now and scream. You don't understand? Neither do I. People are like "do some exercise and you'll feel better" but it's not ... that kind of anger if that makes sense.

Instead I locked myself in the bedroom and watched movies and went to bed at 8pm.

This morning is brighter but yesterday scared me, to be honest.

Anybody out there who can relate?

p.s. I am a very rational person and I'm okay and all that, don't worry. Just had a REALLY bad day yesterday, which does not happen very often. I guess I'm just looking for people out there who have felt similar feelings and I want to acknowledge that I'm allowed to have bad days and be honest about them.

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