While you're listening keep in mind she wasn't talking to anybody, just out loud to the air. There were probably fifty people on that bus, most of us just sitting awkwardly, hoping she didn't pull a knife out or something. I recorded this because I wanted to have video to show people "this is the crazy shit I have to deal with" and in my opinion she was just kind of doing the crackhead ramble, but those words do probably come from a true place, and that's actually really...sad.
So make of it what you will. I actually took four separate videos because I was afraid my iPod memory would get too full and force me to delete the entire recording, hence the inelegant cut-offs and start-ups. But yes, this is only five minutes of a very long twenty or so minute monologue.
Read along here:
Woman: Really? What's that? I feel so poor. So...self centered. Insecure. Rely on the means of people who are cruel. (indistinguishable) homeless are very hard. Very, very hard. I'm not the kind of person who (sniffs) So many be violently beat up by strangers.
Other bus person: That's okay.
(indistinguishable child's voice)
Woman: (sniffles) They tease me, make fun of me, (smoking pot at?) me in a sarcastic way. You guys are just waitin' for me to die, I feel it, the Victoria public is waiting for me to kill myself.
Other bus person: No
Woman: I've been tortured. I've literally been tortured by people talking and gossiping about me. It's not (sniffs) it's not alright (indistinguishable) it's very very very cruel. Insensitive (indistinguishable). truth today. And (indistinguishable) It's a very sad sad situation.
Other bus person 1: ...again.
Woman: You know, which has been used in violence and (indistinguishable) but like he said (indistinguishable)
Other bus person 1: ...but like
Other bus person 2: ...I know
Woman: I get...I don't get, all the stuff I do for society, people want to think the worst because it's easy to think the worst. Nobody wants to make the effort to see the good.
Woman: (Crying.) But I've done a lot of good that I don't talk about, I done a lot of hidden good things in my life that nobody knows about me. They all make fun of me I have a reputation (indistinguishable) once you've done something wrong it follows you the rest of your life no matter how ... much you've overcome. 'Cause some people always think that you're still that...person you were twenty years ago. I didn't fit in with anybody. Alcoholics, I don't drink. I don't like marijuana and cigarettes I'm ready to give up. And I'm surrounded by tobacco 'cause they smoke outside. When I quit successfully smoking ... I didn't see it, I k-I kept my eyes from being around it. Our eyes, they take in television, our ears they take in radio, they can affect our brain. It's very...it's very easy to blame. Some people just complain, you know? They don't understand that there's happiness and they can enjoy it and love themselves. I, I don't pray as much for my children anymore, I pray for me. It sounds like someone died. Pray for yourself, you're not ready to pray for a dead person. But I really feel like-like my life is gonna be over pretty soon.
Woman: (crying) That's pretty frightening. To be in that element, that feeling that my life is over, that I can't (indistinguishable) I always hung around older people, my life is always entrusted with older people and now, in Victoria at my age of fifty and all the people I've come to know are younger than me. It's an unknown territory, Ive never felt, I don't know. What a ...
Woman: But I need help doing it is what I'm saying to all you (indistinguishable ) together ...
Woman: (Starts quietly singing) All the Jesus, I surrender ...
Baby: Mama I want to see daddy.
Woman: (Crying and singing) I surrender (indistinguishable) I surrender...all...all the Jesus I surrender, I...
Woman: (Singing to the baby on the bus) Ohhh I love you, I'll allllways be true. So pleeeease, love me too.
Woman: Hey now, another one.
Woman: (Singing) oh, please release me let me go. I don't love you anymore. (indistinguishable) really see let you love again.
Woman: (Sees her stop) Oh!
Woman: Thank you, bye bye little girl. Have fun, have a good summer okay? I'm gonna go swimming maybe by the end of the week I'll be swimmin. Goin' to that...lake that Victoria has. So many lakes. Nature walks.