Saturday, 21 June 2014

P.A.N.I.C.


Yesterday in the middle of my normal, fairly pleasant work day I had a panic attack. Totally out of nowhere.

It started with me freaking out over the clothes I was wearing because I thought I looked too much like a dude and then Ryan phoned to say the doctor's office called when I wasn't expecting a call from them and then I made a mistake with one of the tattooer's schedules and a friend asked me for a favor and I had to keep answering phone calls and there's a new person I'm trying to make a good impression on and from there it grew and grew and suddenly I HAD TO GET OUT. I wanted to RUN. AWAY. Fight or flight. It literally felt like my life was being threatened by ... not running away from ... nothing.

So I muttered something to my boss about feeling really bad and weird and really stressing about nothing and then asked if I could go home. He gets it, I'm so lucky he gets it. He said I could go and I just basically took off out of there without saying bye to anybody.

I called Ryan and felt like I was having a heart attack and I was crying a little bit. Well, just imagine you're more scared than you've ever been and that's how my body felt, when at the same time my thoughts were going "you're acting like a crazy person". It's a terrible feeling. Terrifying and mortifying at once.

And so Ryan met me at the library near my bus stop where I chose six books to read. The library is a good place for me to go when I'm feeling weird. It's peaceful and I can always find the possibility of an escape in a book.

After taking a pill and hours of quiet time, drawing and reading, I was tired and embarrassed and feeling very humble. I just want to apologize to my work people and Ryan ... like, "sorry I'm a crazy person everybody". I know I can't help it but I just wish my neurons would fire at the appropriate times and my serotonin levels would just be normal or whatever it is that's fucking me up would straighten itself out.

My life is too dependent on me showing up at a lot of places and seeing a lot of people for me to freak out like that, you know?

Anyway I don't know the answer. Just keep on truckin' I guess.

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