I know there are other things I've been meaning to write about but nothing is coming to me. The past few days I've been struggling through one of those fogs. Those grey days which I am only now, at 31 years of age, able to characterize as a part of the bigger issue.
That's right, it's another post about ANXIETY.
I've been having a lot of feelings of, and I don't know how else to characterize this so bear with me, floating out of my body. Apparently this is a really common feeling related to anxiety. You can't focus, everything seems surreal. You literally feel like you're not in your own mind.
It's insanely frustrating when you know it's happening and you're trying to, oh, I don't know, live your life normally.
Sometimes when I feel this way it's so bad that I can't even finish a sentence. I will start saying something with confidence and midway through I space out. Then I panic, my heart starts racing because what was I trying to say???? It feels as scary as giving a speech in front of twenty people and forgetting your next line.
I wake up in the middle of the night with the weirdest thoughts. Last night I was pretty sure I was dying of a dry throat (??) and the night before that I woke up to the sound of a bathroom door and when I closed my eyes I could see spinny things on the backs of my eyelids, like I was dizzy while lying down and I thought that was going to kill me too.
Look out for the fatal spinny dizzy eyelids!!
I am not surprised that I'm having a hard time. I mean, in the past few weeks the dog has been through a lot which is extremely stressful, both seeing him in pain, feeling helpless and um yeah, let's talk about vet bills because I don't usually have an extra three thousand dollars hidden under my mattress.
I also started a brand new position at the college, crash-course style, and am now responsible for huge amounts of money and thousands of students getting their textbooks.
On top of that, I am working day 21 of 22 in a row. For an introvert, being around people this much is absolutely unacceptable. I need to recharge! My batteries are drained! *insert other internet introvert catch phrase here*
I also haven't been exercising much or eating super well lately.
The frustrating thing for me is that none of these things are that bad. Tank is getting better by the day. I'm enjoying the new challenges at work and I love the paychecks (that are all going to the vet bills, but still ... ). Working every day is draining but at least it's at different locations all the time, so it doesn't feel like I'm doing the same day over and over again.
So intellectually, I am fine. Nearly content.
But physically ... my body wants me to slow down.
So the stress is beginning to manifest itself in these odd ways.
The floating feelings. Random tight chest/can't breathe feelings. Being tired enough to go to bed at 8pm. Barely being able to hold a conversation. Avoiding any social situation out of a feeling of mental/social exhaustion.
Any of this sounding familiar to anyone out there? Good times, right?
I found a (new to me) podcast archive on iTunes that you should absolutely check out if you've got symptoms of depression or anxiety called The Mental Illness Happy Hour.
It's a series of hour long interviews with celebrities and comedians about their mental illnesses. It's super candid and really refreshing to hear all these successful and gregarious seeming people talk about the same things you're feeling.
As of today there's 187 episodes out so there's a lot of catching up to do. I totally recommend this if you're feeling like a crazy person or like nobody really gets the feelings you've been having.
So yeah, on that note I have to hurry up and get ready for work now, typing this has really cut into my coffee and breakfast time.