Saturday, 13 December 2014

thoughts and whatever

I got a college-wide email yesterday saying there will be a free, that's right, free, mammogram clinic for any and all female staff. (It's not as weird as it sounds, there is a full-on nursing program at the school so they already have the equipment and the appropriate room for it all.) But you can only participate if you're over 40. I don't know much about mammograms but ... isn't the goal here to screen for things as early as possible? I was considering going but guess I have to wait eight years. Oh well.


My life is really boring, but also really tiring. I don't know if this is just a normal "getting old" thing or not because I don't really know the home-lives of other people with office jobs, but I get home from a day of book ordering and staring at computers and taking the bus a million hours and I don't want to do anything at all. Even watching TV or looking at the internet is like "UGH". I'm just excited to go to bed...and it makes me feel disappointed in myself. 

But then on my days off I'm making things, feeling super creative, cleaning the house willingly, cooking more, playing with the dog more, exercising, eating healthier ...

This is a totally new lifestyle for me, this office job thing. I don't know. I'm kind of glad it's almost rush and I can get out and be a cashier for 5 hour stints. Sitting on my butt all day is REALLY hard psychologically. How do people do this?

But on the flip side the pay is so great I'm starting to feel like a normal person in ways I never did before. Last night I took the whole family out for fancy pizza, on me, get whatever you want style. Christmas is going to be especially great for everyone, I've been able to start paying down some incredibly huge credit card debts I've incurred over the years ...

So that's the trade-off.

Yeah I can get used to a desk job.

One morning I was walking past this bricklayer's head office and the usually-closed blinds were open ... turns out somebody has a fairly inappropriate wall of nearly naked dudes in their office. Yikes.


Due to money/work reasons I will not be going home to Alberta this Christmas and it already feels weird. I just need my mom around to make Christmas feel right, you know? The weirdest thing is that for nearly a week I've got time off work, the kids will be gone and because Ryan assumed I'd be going away he took extra shifts at his night job so I'm going to be basically home alone.

Well not totally. Tank will be there.

Yes, he's such great company. Can you hear the snores through your computer screen?

Yesterday I bought him a Christmas present. And when I got up to the till to pay I felt like I needed to confess so I blurted out "YES I AM BUYING A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR MY DOG". Luckily the girl had just bought Christmas presents for her gerbils so I didn't feel like such a weirdo.


I'm starting to feel obsessed with learning to draw. It's always been something I've told myself I can't do for whatever reason, and now I'm seeing myself doing it and I'm like "Oh, wait. I can totally learn this."

When I type it out like that it doesn't sound like the startling revelation it felt like to me at the time.


Speaking of drawing, one of my best and longest internet friends Caitlin pointed out that I am WAY too self-depricating when I talk about it. She said it sounded like Imposter Syndrome, which yes, I do always have whenever I try something new. So I've made a deal with myself to only say these things inside my own head, and just take compliments with a thank you from now on.

It's gonna be hard. I feel like such a wannabe, that I'm not good enough, that I should be ashamed that I'm trying something, that I shouldn't show anybody what I've been working on, that I'm a loser who will never amount to anything, that I should always live in the shadows of those better at things than I am, etc.

Damn girl, you have some work to do.


I'll end this with a story of me embarrassing myself last night.

So the kid takes karate with the son of the owner of the fancy pizza place near our house. The owner saw us at the table and came over to say hi. I reached over to shake his hand, and mid-shake my arm hit a full glass bottle of coca-cola, that then fell over loudly onto our marble table and spilled everywhere, including on everybody's plates. I mean LOUDLY.

You can't take me anywhere.

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