Wednesday, 23 March 2016

I've been...

Where have I been?

I've been running so fast my legs are giving out from under me. The final deadline for my comic is the 1st of April and WHAT THE FUCK I have so much to do still. I thought maybe it was a case of me over-thinking that was causing so much anxiety so I made a list.


Get it out of your head, make a list, cross things off.

Well the list currently has 45 items on it. Things like "write an author bio", "finish back cover", "watercolor 8 pages", "finish front cover", etc etc etc ... not exactly soothing.

So I've been working, going to class, coming home and immediately sitting down at my desk until 10 or 11 at night inking, writing, erasing, scanning, formatting... it's intense.

I've been coughing for weeks. Viral bronchitis. I took paid sick days for the first time in my life and isn't that amazing? I wasn't at work but still made money. It still feels like there's a catch.

I'm still coughing but nothing green has come out for a while and my lungs don't hurt so I guess I'm getting better.

I've been cranked up to 100, panic attacks, general anxiety, all that. Full-on. Bad. I had a moment where I actually texted Ryan something like "I'm losing my fucking mind" and I meant it.

Yesterday I left work and went upstairs to class...and it was empty. Crickets. I was on time ... I ran to my desk downstairs to check online if there was a class cancellation notification somewhere. No. I went back up. Nobody.  I started questioning myself, wondering if I even had class that day, wondering if I had the wrong room, the wrong day, do I even go here?...then I ran into a classmate and she told me  class had changed to individual meetings at the instructor's office about a project. We had talked about it last class.

Oh. Must have missed that.

Things like that, but 4 or 5 times a day. 

I've been trying to remember that this is what I signed up for. I knew it would get crazy at the end of the term. I knew I'd have no money and no time and it would be difficult, yet this is what I wanted.

I must have needed something at the beginning of the program that I now have because I don't remember what it is. I need to be grateful for that, even if it is hard now.

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